One Mans Trash Another Mans Treasure.

But HUMAN LIFE???

I'll never forget the day that I searched the Doctors eyes for some sign of hope.

He didn't look at me as he scanned my belly. Never spoke to me or tried to calm the panic that was swelling within me.

Okay I reasoned he is paralysised that's why he isn't moving. That had to be it. He was a big baby Perfectly formed, I could see his little hand floating up beside his face. My baby.

My mind didn't go straight to dead because my baby couldn't die not when I had made it so far! I tried to find another reason that could explain him not moving??

Finally out of Desperation I yelled. "Is there a heartbeat!??"

"No" he said (the word echoed through my body destroying every place it touched)
"There's nothing we can do"

NOTHING....

Nothing in the world prepared me for that moment.

I went for the bathroom as fast as I could.

Alone I let myself feel for the first time the magnitude of the grief and I felt myself fall to the floor. "Oh God let me die" I prayed I can't walk out of this room, I can't face a world that still goes on when this precious life can't. I can't face the knowledge that people willingly take the lives of their own babies. I can't see Andrea Yates on Tv again. I can't think of the little boy that lives down the street being beaten by his Daddy. I can't take the crimes commited against children knowing that their parents had the chance I didn't.

WHY!!!!

The word exploded through me like dynamite. "WHY MY BABY OH GOD WHY MY BABY"


On Christmas I started feeling cramps and had some spotting. I was admitted to the hospital and waited on the birth of my third son. The procedure was almost like what is done in medical terminations. They had to dilate my cervix they used cervidil and seaweed and before to long I felt the contractions coming strong. One on top of another. They tried to give me morphine but I refused it. "Give me drugs now and you will have to give them to me forever". I screamed at the nurse that kept offering. I could not let this memory be dulled. I could not let myself depend on anything artificial to get me through it.

Then there he was The nurse held him up for me to see. Her hand moved and his leg moved and for one second I thought maybe they were wrong. Death had distorted his features though so that hope was quickly wiped out.

Coming home was the most miserable experiances of my life.

My son Kaden seemed to know that I needed him and he wrapped his body around me and held on to me.

Kaden was what saved my life knowing that I had this child to live for. This child that I saw the value of. So I kept waking up every morning and forcing myself through the motions of life.

Grief is a very long and painful journey. Why anyone would chose this over a guarenteed life or just the CHANCE at life. I will never understand.

I named my baby William. William is the name I call out when my heart is breaking. When my throat is raw from tears when my soul feels torn into. William is the name that will hold that sorrow for the rest of my life. My son that never had the chance My William.

Kaden is the name I say in laughter. That brings a song to my heart and a smile to my face. Precious Kaden is the name that holds my inspiration my strength and compassion. Kaden is the child I call for supper. He hears my I love you's at night.
Kaden's name is written on his jacket not his tombstone. Kaden's name will never make me feel sad.

Life always has hope. Life always has the capacity for love and joy and all those things. Death is death is death is death. FINAL FOREVER GONE.